10. Working with the buildings department
How many expeditors does it take to let you know the proper number of sprinklers or fire exits you need to hav?. No one knows because the DOB continually changes their minds for laws and regulations so if you ask 5 expeditors a question, needless to say, you'll probably get 5 different answers because literally no one has a clue.
9. Labor laws
My bartender made $800 last night and I have to pay him $55 + $56 in FICA + $7.25 for an additional hour over 10 hours. Wait he worked 48 hours now he gets $64 in overtime???More money, more FICA, more taxes, oh my. If I asked the unemployed “how many would work for $25-100 an hour but not receive hourly wages as long as they don’t make less than the norm min wage?” I wonder how many people would take that offer.
8. Eater.com
Libel has a cousin and its name is Eater.com. Watch jobs disappear faster than a pie in front of Rosie O’Donell if a place gets listed in an amazing column like ”death watch” or “shit show”.
7. “Rent is just too damn high!” – I love that guy
As leases expire landlords keep raising rents so much so that restaurants are being priced out of the market in hopes of getting that 14th Chase bank in a 5 block radius or another place to medicate yourself like Duane Reade (which conveniently has Chase ATM’s by the way).
6. Real estate taxes are just too damn high!
Wait so I’m only responsible for 33% of the increase for next year’s real estate tax hike. That won’t be so bad. At a time like this when real estate values are going down, real estate taxes can’t be assessed for me right?…. Oh Shit! Bloomberg- I love you, but this has to stop.
5. Outdated laws like cabaret laws:
Nucky Thompson (actually Enoch L. Johnson if you want to know who the HBO character is based on) would be proud that this outdated prohibition law is still alive and doing well. So basically you can be ticketed if you have music on and people are tapping their feet. 99 out of 100 liquor licensed establishments probably don’t have cabaret licenses but they definitely have music.
4. Yelp.com will find you
Think revenge of the nerds being Yelpers against the Alpha Betas. One day they will get their revenge and now with Yelp, they have a voice. Started by a tri-lam, Yelp lists different businesses and offers the chance to become a critic and review the place by discussing their experience. These “critics” go into your places then take to the wonderful world of the internet where you have so many virtual “friends” to ”chat” with about their experiences of not being allowed in somewhere, or waiting too long at a nice, popular restaurant, or complaining about some made up experience to exaggerate and look “cool” to your fellow loser “friends”. I’d love to go to where you pretend to work because you’re definitely unemployed to have so much time to be reviewing 100’s of places to become a master bator- I mean master Yelper – and give you a review of the shitty work you put forth. It’s really funny when your review causes other people to not go to someone’s place. If you were really cool, send an email to the place instead of making it an open forum. Spineless Yelpers act like any gang where one person says something then others imagine the same and have to tag along. Can you say, “Class Action Lawsuit?”
3. NY State Liquor Authority
At a snail’s pace they are getting better and have realized that they can charge you more money to self certify instead of waiting 12 months to hear if you can open and get a license, only after you have spent $50,000 at least in due diligence. However, bureaucracy and corruption have plagued this agency for years and that growth was sent backwards. They are still trying to catch up. Here is some advice- step in and change the community board process immediately so we can create some jobs and pay more taxes.
2. Community board process
Here’s my community board joke: A priest, a rabbi, and an Imam walk into a community board meeting looking to open up a business together. They all have clean records with past history to prove it. They have letters of recommendation from highly respected members of their field and community. They’ve worked their entire life to prove others in their field are minority in regards to wrong doing. After great presentations showing plans, due diligence, and a way to hire people and pay more taxes, the audience, minus the old bitchy neighbors are wowed- even Mother Theresa, Jerry Seinfeld, and Mohammed would be proud of the proposed institution. Then the great head of the community board stands up, hides his devil horns, and says, “you make a great case but sorry we don’t need any more child touching, cheap, corrupt terrorist businesses here anymore. Have a good day sorry to make you spend all this time and money here today. Oh, and by the way the 50 people you would have hired should come here and say they’re sorry for wanting to work at a place like this. Tell them to find jobs elsewhere or change careers!”
And the #1 Reason to not open a restaurant or bar in NYC…………
1 Because the terrorists have infiltrated our city and are employed at the department of health.
Have you seen these people who work for the DOH? I feel like they get their orders from Osama Bin Laden himself to slowly cripple our economy through $300 tickets for lack of shatterproof bulbs. Conspiracy theory, the rats were placed by the DOH many years ago to fine you for rat poop.
I hope you enjoyed this, now back to band practice… Mr. Big
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